Today I started the BluePrintCleanse, a juice-based three day diet that will "give your insides a rest" and "gently rid your body of impurities." To which I have one thing to say:
Granted, my insides have been working extra hard lately. Ever since my left kidney decided to read celebrity blogs all day instead of actually do work, it's been pretty rough on my other organs.
Right Kidney: Ugh, it's like Left Kidney knows exactly when Brain is passing by and only filters stuff then. I'm so sick of this shit.
Colon: Tell me about it.
It's my job as the boss of my organs to know when they need a little PTO. And after a disgusting delicious meat, cheese and wine fueled rampage that lasted from Thanksgiving to New Year's, I thought it necessary to reset my organs and rid myself of "toxins." Because I've also been eating lead paint chips. A lot of them.
The BluePrintCleanse (BPC) has a reputation as the cleanse of choice for glamorous Manhattanites with money to burn (or in this case, pee). Rather than being marketed as a weight loss tool, it is instead liquid luxury -- a way to transform into the type of woman you've always wanted to be. One who's in control of her cravings. One whose closet is filled with lululemon yoga pants that actually look great. One who retires to yoga retreats on the regular. Not to mention side effects like glowing skin, glossy hair and a fabulous West Village apartment. There are even pictures of Blake Lively holding BPC bottles! So I was pretty confident that by doing this cleanse, I would get everything I've always wanted and more.
If Sex and the City was still on the air, you can bet that we'd get a story arc based on this stuff, much in the same way the rabbit vibrator and brazilian bikini wax were introduced to us as the thing for the modern, empowered woman.
INT. CAFE - DAY
CARRIE
What are you drinking there?
SAMANTHA
Oh, it's the BluePrintCleanse. It's fabulous. I just stick to these juices and the toxins seep right out of me.
CARRIE
That's not the only thing that'll be seeping out of you.
And the ladies laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
CUT TO SAMANTHA writhing around in ecstasy during a colonic.
Oh right, did I mention that BPC recommends that you get colonics? Like, a few of them. Because this isn't juice that makes you loose. It's juice that magically cleans out your blood or something. And nothing helps stuff move on along like a rubber hose!
So why, if I'm skeptical of the pseudoscience behind these juices, and remiss to have my colon excavated by a stranger, did I embark on the cleanse? I wanted a reset on my eating habits. I wanted to reexamine my relationship with food. And I wanted some bragging rights just in case I ever get my ass to a yoga class and make well-groomed friends who mention BPC. "Oh, the BluePrintCleanse?" I'll say. "Yes, I've done it. It's fabulous."
