Fairway Making Outlandish Claims Again

Fairway Market, the New York-based grocery store chain, has resorted to making outlandish claims in a bid to attract customers.

"When I saw that sign, I couldn't believe it," said Upper East Side resident Stella Hirschenbaum, 93. "I thought I ate olives before Fairway existed. My mother used to put them in her cucumber salad, and I always picked each and every one out of my dish." Hirschenbaum has no surviving relatives who can corroborate whether she did, in fact, consume olives before Fairway's founding in 1930, and confesses that her memory has been shaky since a bout of reefer madness in 1949. "I could be wrong," she said.

Mario Drucker, an employee at Pickles and Olives on First Avenue, was also shaken by the news. "That Herb Ruetsch [Fairway's President and CEO] must be one son of a bitch," he said. "You're telling me Fairway invented these?" Drucker dug a scoop into a barrel of alfonso olives. "I'll tell you what, though. I admire Herb's balls." When asked to clarify whether Drucker admired Ruetsch's nerve or actual testicles, Drucker merely shook his head and retired to the shop's cheese counter.

Fairway's claims come on the coattails of their hire of paranoid schizophrenic Peter Nafter, the man responsible for the creative for Cocoa Puffs' "Cukoo for Cocoa Puffs" and Skittles' "Taste the rainbow" campaigns. Nafter experienced his psychotic break while eating the chocolatey cereal and also suffers from synesthesia.

Despite customer skepticism, it is unlikely anyone will come forward to formally refute Fairway's word. When reached for comment, Samir Haddad, a farmer whose family has tended hundreds of acres of olive groves on the Lebanese-Syrian border since the 17th century, failed to contribute any commentary this reporter could understand.

"I don't necessarily appreciate the hyperbole," Upper West Sider Caroline Levy said. "But it's not like I'm going to make Greek salad without olives. Fairway's got the goods, and I'm gonna keep going there."