Google Has a Dystopian View of Our Future, and We No Look So Good.

Google, long resistant to marketing themselves through traditional routes, has recently flooded our subways, commuter trains and magazines with a stream of print ads featuring pithy, albeit microscopic, copy, and charming illustrations. Have you seen these ads? You know, the ones with pin headed humanoids with hulking bodies and limp, stringy limbs. So, basically, humanity's evolutionary future once Google's bionic arm starts fishing around in our collective DNA.

Here are two regular people who, I don't know, are just hanging out:

The guy in the helmet isn't surprised because, well, are you surprised that this is Google's view of humans? Left up to the search engine, this is exactly what the human race will look like in a generation or two, given the physical effects of plugging into the interwebs.

The more time you spend on the internet, the stoopiter you get, your brain shrinking as you slump and squint in the glow of your computer. A walnut sized brain is all that's needed to process your daily deals emails. In fact, science tells us that the more offers for hot stone massages and mediocre Italian food you vet, the smaller your brain needs to be to function, finally settling at a very efficient pea size. As the brain shrinks, so does the surrounding skull, skin and hair. Haircuts will only cost $500 in the future! This probably sounds like an outrageous sum, mostly because you don't live in New York, but remember: inflation. Google was very considerate to shrink our heads to keep grooming costs at a minimum. You've also probably already guessed that the helmeted chap is so outfitted because our heads are terribly soft well into adolescence in our futures. Until around the age of 18, if a bird happens to shit on you, even from just a few feet above your head, you will die.

Next, check out those gangly limbs. Damn, they be gangly! As we continue to sit at our computers, our arm and leg muscles will atrophy, until they are long, spindly appendages that can barely support any weight at all. Our arms, of course, will be strong enough to lift our hands so that we can type and text and still mouse around, but legs will only sustain our mass long enough to make it to the fridge or the door for the pizza delivery guy. Also, pants will be two extremely long tube socks, sewn onto a pair of bikini briefs. This is a universally flattering look and will be touted as "the best thing since the stretch pants craze of the 2010s" by someone who has never walked behind a person wearing stretch pants in the 2010s.

Next, our overgrown torsos. I forgot to mention that our arms will be strong enough to lift our hands even when we're holding pizza slices, entire birthday cakes, and bacon balls, a futuristic dream food made of gooey cheese encased in crispy bacon. We will just eat, and eat, and eat, and internet, and internet, and internet until we fulfill our destiny as the gorgeous, supple creatures in Google's advertisements. All procreation will take place in test tubes and World of Warcraft.

Personally, I can't wait for the future and welcome it with spindly, open arms. How about you?