Mad Men, Season 5

We're only two weeks into Mad Men, and one things's clear: Matthew Weiner wants to turn his once taut, sophisticated drama into a sitcom. Like, a CBS-caliber sitcom. Notice how Don has been flopping down on his bed every time the music goes womp-womp? Remember when Harry got high and ate 20 sliders? Care to explain Betty in a really bad fat suit? Weiner isn't as sly as he thinks he is. We're onto his little comedy plan and the fact that his name is probably pronounced a much funnier "wee-ner."

Wee-ner is notoriously secretive about his show, but I got my hands on a breakdown of what transpires over the rest of the season. I'll be releasing information about the characters based on what actually happens in the show each week as I get it, so here now, what we can expect from Don and Betty in Mad Men's fifth year:

Don

More bed flopping! Don's happiness may not have increased, but the laughs sure have. Don will continue to fall face first onto every bed he sees, followed by every couch, ottoman, and folding chair. Wait a second, that bed wasn't in the kitchen a second ago. Well, neither was Don! But now that he is, he needs something to fall on to show us the depths of his despair. Hey, what's that ball pit doing at Sterling Draper Cooper Price? Oh, just waiting for Don to dive on in. And why on earth is the Benny Hill theme playing every time Don walks in the room? Everything is funnier set to the Benny Hill theme.

Expect Mad Men's influence on the way we live in 2012 to continue. Whenever Don enters the office, Roger will cry, "Timberrrrrr!", starting a catch phrase frenzy. Not to mention a tumbling trend among hip, well educated urbanites called "Drapering." Ikea should brace itself for unprecedented bed sales. Especially the Ikea in Red Hook.

Betty

Betty will continue to gain weight, wearing a larger and larger fat suit each week. Eventually, she will be so large that she fills an entire room in her house, where she will have to be fed with a curtain rod. This is because she has grown so comically fat that no human hand could possibly reach her mouth. It's also because when human hands still could reach her mouth, she bit one off. So now Henry has a hook for a hand, and Sally's only chore is to clean Betty's skin folds, with the same dowel the family uses to feed her.

Betty's favorite foods are donuts, bagels, and other things easily speared and delivered via stick. Plus puddings. Puddings have the perfect gluggable texture, but easily cling to the feeding stick. Betty's favorite puddings are chocolate, banana, and orange cream, the latter of which is extremely hard to find, and will require many trips to the market for hilarious mix-up story lines.

America, previously resentful of Betty's cold, distant mothering, will finally fall in love with her, mostly because she will remind them of themselves. And don't forget about the fashion. Yes, fashion. The best part of Betty! Just because her curves are changing doesn't mean she can't look sharp. We'll be introduced to the mumus of the mid-1960s, which the AMC research department call "on trend."